So yesterday the Dem’s finally took control of the House. In a, if you don’t mind me saying so, weird-ass move, newly crowned Speaker Pelosi asked all the members of the House to send up their grandkids for her swearing in… What a chick-move.

Luckily for me, the cheesiness of this moment was overcome by the uneasiness of one of the tykes; instead of being merely a lame PR stunt, the event turned into an incredibly awkward moment for one “little” girl…

Oh-My-GOOOOOOOODDDDDD! Look at that blond girl! She’s like 13 and all the other kids are like 5!!! Bahahahahahah! What a jerk! Who thought it would be a good idea to send this goober up with all the other little kids? Look at her face; she knows she’s too old to be up there! And now this pic is on every front page in the country. We’re talking years of therapy here. She’s taller than the damn Speaker!

Oh man, oh man. So, if anyone out there is having a bad day, just remember, you could be this chump…

Those goddamn CNN headline writers!

Last week, they one-upped their previous Best Headline Ever with the kickass, “U.N. Smackdown on N. Korea.” Yes, that’s right, smackdown.

Then, they out do all previous contenders for the Zanny Headline award with this gem:

Dog Saves Owner from Fire, Dies Trying to Rescue Cat

Just let that sink in…

Baaaaaa-hahahahahahahahahahaah. Are you kidding me? Seriously, are you kidding me with that?! Oh my God… That headline taps into so many levels of awesomeness that I can hardly fathom its greatness. I’ve become fully convinced that CNN has two stoned college boys coming up with headlines for their website, constantly trying to one-up each other.

That headline looks like it was ripped from an episode of the Simpsons (not a main newspaper story, but think of one of the shots where they cut to a newspaper headline, and if you pause your Tivo or DVD and read the smaller headlines around the main plot-point headline, they’re freakin’ hilarious), or at least from The Onion.

Delving into CNN’s story of this heroic pooch is even funnier:

After a disabled woman’s cat started a house fire, her specially trained dog came to the rescue, then died trying unsuccessfully to rescue the cat.

Oh, that’s right! The damn cat started the fire!

Jamie Hanson said her 13-year-old dog Jesse brought her artificial leg and a phone she used to call 911.

That is just incredible.

“She got me outside and then she heard the cat upstairs and she went up there to get the cat, and she wouldn’t come back to me,” Hanson, 49, said at a news conference Monday at Aurora Sheboygan Memorial Medical Center, where she was being treated for her injuries.

The dog heard that cat upstairs and went to get it?! This happens in real life?! Jesus Christ, half the time I’m too lazy to get up and grab a drink from the fridge, and this dog rescues his owner from a fire, gets outside to safety, and then the damn cat that started the fire is whining upstairs?! Hahahahhaha. Can’t you just see the dog rolling his eyes before trudging back into his certain death?

Here’s to you, Sparky…